Humor

A man and his dog were walking along a road…

The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead…

He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them…

After a while, they came to a white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate look like pure gold…

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at the desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, “excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir”, the man answered…

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?”, The man asked…

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open…

“Can my friend”, gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked…

“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going…

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led to a farm gate and looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against the tree and reading a book…

“Excuse me!”, he called to the reader. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there is a pump over there.” The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?”, the traveler asked, gesturing to the dog…

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

They went to the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with the bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and gave some to the dog…

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them…

“What do you call this place?”, The traveler asked…

“This is Heaven”, was the answer…

“Well, that’s confusing”, the traveler said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and the pearly gates? Nope, that’s Hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen all the folks who leave their best friends behind!”

You might be a dog show person if:

You think nothing of getting up at 3 AM and driving in the snow for hours to run around in circles with your dog.

You have made the dive to catch poop in your bare hand to keep it from hitting the hotel carpet.

You look at jewelry and think “That would look so nice on my dog”.

You go clothes shopping and gravitate towards outfits that compliment you dog’s coloring.

You go shoe shopping and head straight for the flats.

You think nothing of spending hundreds of dollars to win a 75 cent slip of satin.

You plan vacations around weekends with dog shows.

You think nothing of spending $100 on a show lead.

Your coats are bought from the clearance rack at TJ Maxx/Marshall’s in a size too small, your dogs are custom made.

You study a photo until you are cross-eyed, trying to determine if it shows your dog’s best angle.

Your Christmas, Birthday or Anniversary gifts are often training equipment…..for the dogs.

You buy your vehicle based on the quantity of crates/equipment you can get in it.

Any gear you buy has to pass one final test before purchase: Can I carry, pull or push this across a parking lot and arena? It gets extra points if it has wheels and stuff can be stacked on it.

You permanently remove the most comfortable chair in your motorhome, that cost more than your last house, so you can build a crate rack.

You have a lively conversation about sperm at the dinner table… at a public restaurant.

You don’t find the term “a nice bitch” to be an oxymoron.

Your dog gets his/her eyes checked every year and you’re still wearing glasses that are 5 years old because you don’t have time to get your own eyes checked.

You believe that crates make lovely accent pieces in almost any room of the house.

You know your town’s dog and noise by-laws off by heart but can’t remember what the parking bylaws are.

You wonder what ‘normal’ people do on weekends and holidays?

You gave your co-worker a hard time about getting up at 5am for Black Friday sales and questioned their sanity, when you got up on the same day at 4am to leave for a dog show.

Your dogs get the most expensive and top of the line vitamins and supplements that are made, and you take none.

You buy your house because the dogs will love it.

You look at the dates on wedding invitations wondering if there are any shows in the vicinity that you can attend, or if there is a show that will conflict with it thereby causing you to send regrets.

Your vet ranks higher on your speed dial than your spouse.

From: Dog
To: God

Dear God: let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

I will not eat the cats food before they eat it or after they throw it up!

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

The litter box is not a cookie jar.

The sofa is not a “face towel”.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying “hello”.

I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house-not after.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt on the carpet.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

The cat is not a “squeaky toy”, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God, when I get to heaven may I have my testicles back?

Doggie Dictionary

LEASH: a strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: a liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces human to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.

SNIFF: a social custom used to greet the dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.

GARBAGE CAN: a container in which your neighbor put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margin wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: to field exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: this is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: this is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: this is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.

BATH: if you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous, and they use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.

LEAN: every good dogs response to the command “sit!,” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before a black tie event.

BUMP: the best way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSEBUMPS: a maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn’t get the attention you require…especially effective when combined with a Sniff. See above.

CHILDREN: short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.

LOVE: a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Vet Bill

A woman brings her parrot the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but this parrot is dead.”

“How can you tell so quickly?” replies the woman, “is there a way to be absolutely certain?”

So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador retriever walks in the examining room. The lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet, with sad eyes and shakes his head.

“A dog shakes his head and I’m supposed to believe that?!” cried the woman. “You’re going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!”

So the vet leave momentarily, come back with the cat and put it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looked closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumped off the table.

Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet and not that she owed him $500.

“$500?!,” the woman asked. “How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?”

“Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and that cat scan…”

Dog show terms defined

1. Great stud dog…..Mounts anything that can fog a mirror.

2. Excels in movement…..If he gets loose he runs like Hell.

3. Personality Plus…..Wakes up if you put liver up his nose.

4. Good bite…..Missed the judge, got the steward.

5. Large boned…..Looks like a Clydesdale.

6. Good Obedience prospect…..Smart enough to come in from the rain, but ugly.

7. Quiet and good natured …..In his kennel.

8. Excels in type and style…..However moves like a spider on speed.

9. Won in stiff competition…..Beat 4 puppies and a 9 year old novice dog.

10. Multiple group winner…..At 2 puppy matches.

11. Pointed…..His head is shaped like a carrot.

12. Noted Judge…..He put up our dog.

13. Respected Judge…..He put up our dog twice.

14. Esteemed Judge…..He puts up anything that crawls.

15. Specialty Judge…..Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding.

16. Won in heavy competition…..The others were revoltingly overweight.

17. Shown Sparingly…..Only when we had it in the bag.

18. Show Prospect…..He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, and 1 tail.

19. Finished in 5 shows…..And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon.

20. Well Balanced…..Straight as a stick, front and rear.

21. Handled brilliantly by…..Nobody else can get near him.

22. At stud to “approved” bitches…..Those bitches whose owners check is “approved” by our bank.

23. Terrific brood bitch…..Her conformation is the pits, but she throws big litters.

24. Wins another Best In Show…..His second, under the same judge, our uncle.

Dog property laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2.If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.

3.If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4.if I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5.if it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6.If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

7.If it looks like mine, it’s mine.

8.If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9.If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

How dogs and men are the same:

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both fart shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How dogs are better than men:

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you- – except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas

10. Dogs understand what “no” means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Your dog did what to my dog?

A man tied his great dane outside the grocery store and went in to do some shopping. A little while later another man came over to him and asked him if the great dane outside was his. He told him that it was and then the man said, “Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I believe my dog just killed your dog.” The owner of the great dane looked at him and asked him what kind of dog he had to which he replied that he had a chihuahua. The man just looked at him as if he’d lost his mind and asked how could that be. The other man said, “Well, I’m afraid he choked on him.”

Top 10 reasons to breed your dog

1. Thought the house was too orderly.

2. Never did like having a full nights sleep.

3. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW.

4. Thought the furniture looked too nice.

5. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, predawn, etc.

6. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn’t want to pay a gardener.

7. Neighbors didn’t complain enough.

8. Kids weren’t enough of a challenge.

9. If you can train & show one dog, why not ten?

10. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows.

The Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer the dog is a ‘sniffer dog’.
“His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is.I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: “Watch this.” He tells Smithy to ‘search’.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says: “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land”
“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to ‘search’ again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to crap all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replies, “He just found a bomb.”

Please keep your dog beside you

“Please keep your dog beside you, sir”, a woman said crossly to the man sitting opposite to her on the bench at the park. “I can feel a flea in my shoe.” ” “

“Midnight, come here”, replied the man. “This woman has fleas.”

Top 10 Reasons It’s Good to be a Dog

1. If it itches – you can scratch it – even in public

2. No one notices or cares if you have hair growing in some weird places as you get older

3. Personal Hygiene ain’t too bad – its not like you have to bathe everyday & somebody else combs your hair

4. Having a wet nose is a sign of good health

5. You don’t need fancy entertainment systems – you got a bone

6. You can spend hours smelling stuff

7. You can spend all day sleeping, if ya want!

8. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re excited just see the same old people day after day. Heck all they have to do is leave the room for 5 minutes and come back in – and you’re happy

9. You never have to pay for lunch or dinner – OR worry about your table manners AND

10. If you gain weight – it’s someone else’s fault!

10 Signs of a Spoiled Italian Greyhound

1. You let your Italian Greyhound pick a spot on your bed first and then try to get comfortable with whatever room is left for you.
2. Your Italian Greyhound has an armoire of designer doggy clothes.
3. You have more pictures of your Italian Greyhound in the family photo album than of anyone else.
4. You buy your Italian Greyhound an outfit because it matches yours.
5. You email family and friends your IG’s wish list, so they’ll know exactly what he wants for Christmas.
6. Your Italian Greyhound has his own facebook page & twitter account.
7. Your Italian Greyhound has his own email address.
8. Your Italian Greyhound has his own retirement account.
9. Your Italian Greyhound gets credit card offers and catalogs in the mail.
10. While preparing meals in the kitchen, your family constantly asking you: “Is that for us or Finnegan?

How To Photograph a Puppy

Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy form trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Put cat outside and dab peroxide on your puppy’s scratched nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to pick up puppy and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
Clean up mess.
Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “SIT” and “STAY” commands first thing in the morning.

Dog Diary vs. Cat Diary
Dog’s Diary

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Belly Rub! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Napped w/ Mommy! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Bully Stick! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Time for a Walk! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Watched TV w/ Mommy! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping w/ Mommy! My favorite thing!

Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity!

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.

Idiots!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe…for now…